When in doubt, choose family

I’m not referring to complicated situations where the relationship is damaged irreversibly because of hostility, toxicity, or infidelity. I’ve been through many storms in my marriage but have so far been fortunate to avoid irreparable damage.

Several times, however, I was faced with choices and temptations that competed with the paradigm of keeping the family together. One of the stories pinned to my profile is about how I was once determined to pursue my calling — staying in Russia — but faced strong resistance from my wife. I can’t even accurately describe that calling. It was a mix of things: feeling like I had unfinished business after one of my first major career failures (I got involved in my father’s business and ran into major problems); feeling that I had some higher role to play in the place where I was born and the city I use to call home and love dearly.

That was well over a decade ago.

Most recently, I went through a somewhat similar experience. The circumstances are very different now. The kids are much older. This time, there is no “calling” or higher purpose, but there are very divergent interests, priorities, and preferences between my wife and me. They involve parenting, financial decisions, various commitments, hobbies, relationships with our extended family, and even where we want to live. I won’t go into the details, but it’s enough to say that the differences run deep. No one’s right or wrong. It’s just that life is very complicated; we’re one, but we’re not the same, as U2 sings in “One.”