My late-night prayers feel powerful when my wife’s hugging me.

I pray irregularly. I am not a religious person. I am not sure I have faith. I don’t know if I believe in God.

I used to — when I was a kid. It feels like a strange transition — from believing as a child to not believing as an adult. As I kid I used to say the Lord’s prayer every night. No one taught me but I did. There was very little religion or church in the Soviet Union, but there was faith in me. I guess I owe it to my Mom. She and I got baptized in 1988 (I was eight then) at a local church in Eastern Moscow. Even then we never became regular churchgoers but I started to believe. I prayed every night before going to sleep.

Then I lost my faith. It’s not that I became cynical or there were specific events that made me lose my faith. I just did, gradually. I grew agnostic and often resentful of church rituals, regardless of the religion. Does God care about us paying tributes to his power through rituals, clothing, or how we consume or don’t consume food? Absolutely ridiculous. Pageant crap.

But like I said I’ve not become cynical. I am just agnostic. And the spiritual fire, however slowly burning, is still somewhere in me. There is something pleasant about praying before going to sleep. On most nights I forget to pray. But sometimes I try. Sometimes I want to become that child that I used to be!

Sometimes I’d be awake and my wife would have her hand on my chest. Maybe she’s already asleep, maybe falling asleep. These are the…