Maturity is a sham concept, convenient for gaslighting
A few years ago I had a bit of stand-off with our kids’ tennis coach. He’s more than a coach. You can call him a mentor, for many years now. Notwithstanding that confrontation, we have a great relationship to this very day. He knows our family’s life journey and he knows very well our four kids — their characters, athletic journeys, their ups and downs, and how they’ve matured.
Matured…
During that stand-off among other things, I was annoyed about his reference to one of my son’s (who was twelve at the time) maturity. I wasn’t protecting my son, not at all. We’re not “helicopter” parents and my wife and I are pretty tough on our kids. Also in sports, you have to trust your kids’ coach. You shouldn’t interfere with your amateur opinions or parental emotions.
On that occasion, I was annoyed though. And my son didn’t do anything outrageous. The coach was basically scolding my kid for — well, not being mature. Not being perfect. Not having super high standards.
The boy is twelve years old, damn it! He’s about to enter his teenage years. What do you expect? That in the morning he takes a cold shower, then does his tennis routine, then school, then tennis routine again, then reads Dostoevsky in the evening, then goes to bed at eight pm, reciting a prayer and asking to God to help him get on the right path with college and career?
Well, actually I might’ve done some of that at twelve. I read Dostoevsky in my early teen years. I also started masturbating at twelve too. The latter coincided with finding a porn tape in one parents’ closet. Was that a sign of maturity?
I did well in my early years — got into Cambridge, my career was off to a stellar start and I got married very early. Had kids early. Four kids! In recent years I’ve been struggling a lot. Was I mature then? Am I mature now, at forty two?
I don’t know. I know my strengths and weaknesses. But I don’t think mature. I’m often a mess.
I’m mature in some respects and immature in others.
My youngest kid is almost eleven. If he’s in a structured environment — at school, or in his swimming team — he’s the most hard-working, coachable, unconfrontational, ever-improving kid. Mature. But he’s also a little kid! He’s a sweet baby (I hope he wouldn’t get offended if he were to read this)! He’s super social with his friends but is also very shy with strangers.
His twin sister is so different. You can be speaking to her and be stunned by how alert, composed, and focused she is. Mature! And she’s very social. A stranger can talk to her after her tennis match and she’d sound like she’d been through five Wimbledon wins and as many losses, a super eloquent celebrity athlete, knowing how to handle every question from every journalist. However, at this very moment she’s going through a very difficult stretch — being unreasonably rebellious and “uncoachable”, to the extent you question of maturity.
My oldest sons…
Oh well, the one who I mentioned, in the beginning, is fifteen now. He’s the most mature, truly. The irony! Watching him grow up over the last year or so has been one of the most fascinating experiences of my life. He had a sporting injury so had a couple of tough years. Just a couple of years ago he’d be playing some stupid phone game (Brawl Stars!) fifteen hours a day. We couldn’t get him out of bed (it was the pandemic year). Now he’s playing tennis that he loves, he goes to the gym every day, his academic performance is perfect, and he is attentive to all his relatives. He has a great relationship with the coach I mentioned!
It just happened — no one tried to make him “mature”.
My oldest son is in his final year at high school, navigating colleges. He’s passionate about running and every time I meet his running coach I hear compliments about his work ethic, his maturity. His grades have always been good. He’s totally independent with his academics — he’s been that way for years. At the same time, he’s like a baby when it comes to being tidy, clean, and orderly. His room is an incredible, eternal mess. He’s losing things — keys, clothing — all the time. Is he mature?
I don’t know.
Am I mature?
Is Elon Musk mature?
Is someone who’s successful financially but a mess in his personal life mature?
Is someone who’s built a great family but made many career mistakes mature?
Is someone who’s generally successful but obese and unhealthy because of the inability to change eating habits mature?
Is someone who’s super healthy and athletic but is having problems in whatever other plane of life mature?
There is no “universal” maturity.
The entire concept is fake. At least when it comes to men. I can’t speak for women.
Is my dog Astra mature sleeping where she’s not allowed to?
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