I’m trying to get back to praying every night

I don’t come from a religious family. There was no religion in the Soviet Union or very little. Many churches were demolished during the Soviet epoch.

My Mom had faith though. She got me baptized when I was eight. It was in 1988. That was the only major ritual I ever experienced. Later I did go to church with Mom but our visits were very rare.

As I child though I had faith. I believed in God. I don’t remember whether it was the aftermath of getting baptized or it just somehow happened. Every night before going to sleep I cited the Lord’s prayer and added my own gratitudes and requests.

Then my faith faded.

In my grown-up years, I’ve stayed agnostic at best. Often I’d feel more atheist than agnostic. All these rituals to honor God? Absurd! Even if God exists, surely he or she or it doesn’t require attention or recognition. He’s all-powerful. Also, I’ve been detesting the story of Jesus. Imagine today some dude claims to be God. Would we follow him? No, we would not. And if there is a following, we’d see it as a cult. Nothing good comes out of cults.

The other night though I prayed as I did in my young years. It wasn’t because I was triggered — say by a difficult situation in life. Well, life is difficult, in general. It’s overwhelming at times. I feel like I have a lot on my shoulders and I’m doing a lot of things wrong. I often feel like I’ve not yet found my path. It’s not some profound soul searching, just the ever-present…