I had a dream today I was conscripted. Then I had the most peaceful morning with my son.

I dreamt I was in Moscow. I don’t miss Russia at all. I’m not nostalgic, nor sentimental. I haven’t been back in almost a decade. But I have this recurring dream. I’m in Moscow. It’s the summer season. Sometimes I’m walking, sometimes riding in a car, and sometimes travelling by Metro. I’m always in the center of the city. I can’t tell the exact street but I’m on one of the avenues that radiate away from the center. Maybe Leningradsky Prospect, maybe Kutuzovsky where I used to live, or maybe near the Moscow State University where my Mom used to live. The dreams are peaceful, overall. In most of them, I’m not aware of Russia’s war against Ukraine. Or maybe I am but it’s all very subconscious. So while the dreams are peaceful, there is always a moment when I start worrying and questioning my presence in Russia. Why am I here? Will I be let out? Where are my kids? What’s the status of my immigration in America? I have my greed card with me, don’t I? I shouldn’t worry but I worry. There is some uncertainty. Will I be able to reunite with my family in America?

Today’s dream was less peaceful. Two police officers were trying to approach me to hand the conscription notice. I escaped them somehow. Maybe I got lost in the crowd, maybe I ran away. I don’t remember every detail of my dream.

The next moment I’m at my childhood home on the outskirts of eastern Moscow. I lived there till my early teen years. Our apartment was on the twelfth floor, the…