3 am darkness

“There is a reason why you wake up at 3am…”

Posted some publication that I follow on social media — maybe not that exact combination of words, but the message of the story was unmistakable.

Oh, so it’s not uncommon, I thought, but I didn’t read the actual post.

Maybe I should have. Maybe it could’ve helped me understand the ghosts that enter my world at 3 am.

I wouldn’t say I have mental health problems. I have problems with focus doing certain work, and I procrastinate, but there is a deeply rooted sense of well-being in my character that helps me get through my life’s difficult moments.

3 am though…

I always wake up around this time and get covered by a wave of anxiety.

No, it’s not anxiety. It’s an overwhelming mix of negative emotions.

Worry and concern about the problems in my life.

An exaggerated sense of uncertainty.

An imposter syndrome that seems to cancel out your past, and destroy your future.

I’m failing my children. I’m failing my parents.

I’m failing — for years — at getting out from a long streak of failures in work and business.

Maybe there is an element of mid-life crisis in my night-time anxieties, though in general, I don’t experience “mid-life” concerns. I’m usually confident about having a lot of time ahead of me to fix problems and achieve great things.